Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
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I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Breaking news:
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls