Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
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If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies