Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

My wedding will be open casket.

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.