Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
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Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.