@meganamram

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

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@DevilryFun

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

@mishakey

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

@robfee

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

@hippieswordfish

WAITER: what can i get you
ME: what do you recommend
WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat

@TylerLinkin

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

@aotakeo

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

@MissSassy_Pants

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

@T_Bonezzz_

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out