Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

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From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.


Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.


I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.


WAITER: what can i get you
ME: what do you recommend
WAITER: i recommend that you tell me what you want to eat


I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.


sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this


The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out