Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
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[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My dog ate my work from home.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.