Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
You Might Also Like
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
make up your mind
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”