Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

And now we wait

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.