Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
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[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude