Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”