Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot