Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

Sunday

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally