Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape

The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?

When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

This is a whole mood;

Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.

I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.

I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.

#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness

I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me