[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
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me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
one of
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Perfect.
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.