Mom: You need to get a hobby.
Me: Like photography?
Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
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I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
ME: tonight might be “the night” do you have any advice?
FRIEND: bring protection
[later after sex]
DATE: wow that was amazing
MY BODYGUARD: yeah you guys did great