[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
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My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
well this is just bullshirt
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”