Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.

Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing

[My cooking show]

Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.

Kevin: *crying*

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.