Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

“Huge”.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot