“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
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I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don鈥檛 work at a library. I don鈥檛 know what he鈥檚 talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It鈥檚 6 am.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Like sleeping!
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren鈥檛 you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
My daughter just told me she doesn鈥檛 like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
馃幍 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 馃幍
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…馃悎馃惥馃槄
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
sorry i left you on read i didn鈥檛 mean to open it just yet
NASA has no chill
wow
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him