“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
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CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.