Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

ah yes….my favourite videogame

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*