Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

Anyone want a chair?

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

never compromise your values

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America