Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.