Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

They got a point!

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!