@SexySpainNights

AMERICA:

Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka

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@EamonToPlease

[baby is bouncing in swing seat]

I
I wish I had one of those.

HER DAD
They bring great joy.

I (to self)
Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.

@soulindivision

“I have to go eat cake now”, should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.

@NutellaV

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

@slimmy_shady

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

@gizellie

Lessons I can learn from my cat.
1.) Never take the first no!
2.) If there’s an obstacle in your path, try a different approach.
3.) Being inquisitive often yields rewards.
4.) Rest is imperative!
5.) If someone is doing something you don’t approve of, bite them.
#WillFeral

@Cpin42

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated