compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
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[baby is bouncing in swing seat]
I wish I had one of those.
They bring great joy.
I (to self)
Oh, he thinks I mean a baby.
“I have to go eat cake now”, should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
I’m not chubby, I’m alt skinny.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Lessons I can learn from my cat.
1.) Never take the first no!
2.) If there’s an obstacle in your path, try a different approach.
3.) Being inquisitive often yields rewards.
4.) Rest is imperative!
5.) If someone is doing something you don’t approve of, bite them.
sometimes i can’t believe Robert Pattinson is real
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
You can’t outrun your problems…