AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
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THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
scares
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.