AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
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[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that