Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
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Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.