Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?

Just did a big green poo by a canal

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.