Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
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Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
is nasa ok
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.