Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

😬

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

*looks at you in batman voice*

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.