Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.