Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

Morning my dudes.

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?