Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
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Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is