Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
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Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Donkey Kong sommelier
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies