Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
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I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
Can confirm.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.