Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
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me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.