Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

normalize having existential bread

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

mary: my water broke

joseph: why do I smell grapes

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

I’m a bad influence on myself.

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

Candles never taste the way they smell

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.