Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
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me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”