Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

look scared

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

Passwords are more important than ever.

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.