Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.

“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

Jogging

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

These are dark times.

~me, everyday at 4pm

$100/night hotel: hi. we have you for 3 nights. checkouts whenever. enjoy the 24 hour gym & pool that smell like chlorine & feet, respectively. unlimited breakfast – eat costco sausages til you die we dont care

$275/night hotel: OH, his royal highness expects FREE WIFI, does he?

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.