Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

me: can I get a job application

mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience

me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.