Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour