AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
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ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”