Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
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During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
love it when they get my name right
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent