Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.