[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
You Might Also Like
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.