Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
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While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
my dog when i have a friend over
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Well, shit
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.