Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
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1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Me irl
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.