An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
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Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
“no gods no masters” = leo
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
