Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

How do I get a job writing these texts

House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.