Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

We have a winner.

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

Just parrot things

Donating blood today to make room for more food

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

🤣

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”