An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
😤😤
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage