An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
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The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Drive like no one is watching.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
So many people to disappoint, so little time
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉