An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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Moms. The original autocorrect.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
hand it over!
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
dutch so unserious
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension