Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting.   I know this now.

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars