An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
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Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
pictures of spider-man
