An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
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*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.