An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
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You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.