An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
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Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
We’ve come full circle
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
There are usually two types of merchants.
