An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
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Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
how to have fun when you’re poor
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
FRED: right
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.