Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

I know karate and tons of other words.

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry