An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
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I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good