An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
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This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Oh we’ve met.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers