An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I hope Alan is OK
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
finally found a reasonable question
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.