An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
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*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
i did the math
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*