Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

english majors be like furthermore

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]