Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

Best goalkeeper.. 😅

Need this in my life lol

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!

HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

“I’ll drink to that.”

-me to my next drink

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”

My sex drive has a dui

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.