Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

Seems a bit forward

mood

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.

[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]

me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?