@NourhanKheir

an advice to every dad,if you wanna see your children just turn the router off,they will suddenly appear.btw ur neighbor might come as well.

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@BoscoPorter

Cashier: “Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of shit?”

@DzNutz83

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

@Mr_Kapowski

“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth

@iGreenMonk

I drink too much.

The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

@aotakeo

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

@donni

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

@MrFornicator

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

@GreenishDuck

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

@fro_vo

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it