an advice to every dad,if you wanna see your children just turn the router off,they will suddenly appear.btw ur neighbor might come as well.

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*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*


If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.


“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash


My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.


Wilderness survival tip #32: To deter bears from attacking your tent, simply sprinkle your neighbor’s campsite with bacon powder.


[first day as a train conductor]

coworker: you the new guy?

me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing


me: so far this job is off the rails


me: so what do you guys do to let off steam

coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good