@NourhanKheir

an advice to every dad,if you wanna see your children just turn the router off,they will suddenly appear.btw ur neighbor might come as well.

You Might Also Like

@BuckyIsotope

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

@_steamy_mac

If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.

@PetrickSara

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

@sixfootcandy

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

@SkunkRiverNPS

Wilderness survival tip #32: To deter bears from attacking your tent, simply sprinkle your neighbor’s campsite with bacon powder.

@notviking

[first day as a train conductor]

coworker: you the new guy?

me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing

coworker:

me: so far this job is off the rails

coworker:

me: so what do you guys do to let off steam

coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good