My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
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My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.